This post is going to be long MAYBE relatable and hopefully insightful to who I am and what I am doing.

Apparently in this world I am fat, I don’t have fat, I am fat. I am defined by my outer appearance and I have allowed myself to let that definition run who I am. ” Fat ”

The first time I was bullied was in 5th grade and from there it never ended. I endured the whale noises, chew baca sounds, coping with boys calling me ugly, people tweeting that I belonged in a barn with the animals, not being able to go to church because my bullies would taunt and tease me for who I was and how I looked. I grew up with the mindset that since I am fat and ugly I cannot do the things I love, I have to be confined to doing things fat people do. Like eating large amounts of food, being the funny friend, providing information to boys about my hot skinny friends,  using a face slimming app when editing pictures, being there when my skinny friends complain about their weight and trying not to break down, lying about having a boyfriend or having a first kiss to avoid the judgement of friends and family, dodging subtle fat comments at group hangouts, having to act out in a group setting to get the slightest bit of attention, sobbing in dressing rooms at stores because the xxl doesn’t fit. Yes, all of that happened because I am fat. I am not blaming my bullies or my skinny friends this is 100% me I am the person who chose to let the word Fat define me, its all me.

I am 22 years old and it has taken me this long to realize that I am not fat..I have fat..that fat doesn’t define me in the slightest. The problem with growing up with the mindset of ” I am fat ” is you let that define you and you act like you are fat, so when you finally realize you are more then a petty insult you have to begin to rediscover yourself and re-set the wonderful human that is YOU. Now that is easier said then done, do I still think I am a ugly fat person? ..uh yeah..that doesn’t change over night that takes time and work. I wish with all my heart that this blog was a self help blog and I was here to tell you ” 10 easy steps on re-discovering you” but I literally am at square 1 which is realizing I can be something other then fat..I can be me.

” How are you going to do that liv?”

Good question, over the years I have encountered things that made ” Me” come out from hiding. For example when I step behind a camera I begin to feel my body wake up from its ongoing snooze and I start to be distracted by what I am creating and I start thinking in ways of creativity I start to become “Me” .  I decided to write down simple things I know make me happy and that I want people to define me by.

 

” Are you going to share that list? ”

 

YES! I am. But the problem was I could only think of 2 things..TWO THINGS..thats it. I realized I have this whole world out there and I don’t even know what I like in it.

  • RUNNING. My love for it out shines my hate for it. Running is beautiful.
  • Photography/Videography. I love to create it makes me smile, my mind constantly thinks in ways of production and creativity. I have a million video ideas that I am dying to share.

” So whats the point of this blog ”

 

To you it might be a blog of some girl complaining about her fat and how she let her life slip away from her. TO ME its a open space dedicated to ME find ME. I get to go out in this world and find out what I like and who I am. I am going to run and take pictures and film and learn to really live. This is me becoming me and I am going to share the hell out of it. (while also learning how to properly write a blog.) whether you choose to follow along or not is up to you.

 

  • OliviaIMG_3140